True Fact #11


“The kind of body I would die for.”



When I was a kid between the ages of 10 and 13 I was overweight and really kind of fat. Definitely upper-percentile!


When I would walk over to the local candy store to spend the spare change I made giving my mom a scalp or foot massage, there was always this teenage guy there that sort of half-liked me and nicknamed me “Turk” after the famously plump Butterball Turkeys.  I used to dread seeing that guy because he would always yell, “Hey, Turk!” in front of the whole neighborhood, his buddies and the occasional hot chick that was hanging out with them smoking cigarettes and getting into boy trouble.


Names like Pudgy, Porky, Fatso, Lard-Ass, were just as embarrassing. “Fat Albert” was a popular cartoon at that time, so I endured the unbearable “Hey, Hey, HEY!’s” from time to time as well.


But the ultimate worst punishment for an awkward tween fat f*ck like me, was in the boys locker room, and the unexpected fate that awaited me out there in Gym Class.


To soften my locker room anxiety I would plan ahead and purposely wear my gym shorts under my pants all day so I wouldn’t have to endure the humiliation of stripping down to my big ass undies in front of my classmates, who were all thin and seemed to already be reaching puberty, a few years before this pasty English boy ever would… (another source of embarrassment for me.)


But the absolute worst nightmare for this bulging tummy and jiggly tittied butterball boy was when the Gym teacher would call a basketball game and separate the class into two teams… “Shirts & Skins.”  


Now, I don’t know what evil forces the universe is working against kids like me, but it is Murphy’s Law that whatever kid has some strange deformity, insanely grotesque birthmark, or a flopping spare tire to hide is guaranteed to be relegated to the “Skins” team and will ultimately be showing off the big guns for all the world to jeer.


I guess I can be grateful there was no YouTube back then.


(And yes… I destroyed all my fat pictures.)


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